I would like a relationship – but I have a constant craving for casual sex

I long to settle down with someone who can fulfill my sexual and emotional needs. But every time the excitement of a new relationship subsides, I want to stray

I’m a gay man in my late 40s. Since the age of 19, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable, years engaging in casual sex with other men. In my 30s I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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